Tuesday, June 24, 2008

What kind of cougar are you?

The following is borrowed from http://www.urbancougar.com/

What do you think it takes to be a cougar?

To be a cougar it takes, charm, charisma and class and definitely self confidence. I think a cougar should take care of herself every single day – to look as hot as she can on a constant basis, and be open minded, and willing to play in many different ways and on many different levels. Cougars need to be spontaneous and take charge, but be willing to take the back seat ; )

Cougar Classifications:
Phylum: Felinae Generalus
Common name: Cougar
The cougar comes in many forms (as will be discussed below), but each stems from the Felinae Generalus, the older woman, typically early thirties to mid-forties, who has abandoned traditional rules of romantic engagement and taken as her mission the seduction of as many game young men as she can possibly handle.
She comes from all over the world, in all shapes, sizes, and colors, and she follows without question the Cougar Rules.
She's beautiful in her contempt for outdated values, and we love her.
God, do we love her.

Species: Rolls-Royce
Rich, good-looking, and extremely hard to hunt. She's a genuine woman of the world. Traditionally heiresses, they are today also often high-powered executives, doctors, lawyers, and divorcees from men of any of the aforementioned professions.
They live large and are much more discerning about their prey then any of their fellow cougs.

Genus: Felinae Americanus
Common name: North American Cougar
The North American Cougar is a fast-growing breed of cougar. Not afraid to test common Puritan stereotypes, they are firm believers in the equality of the sexes. And because America is the land of opportunity, they're finding that their advances are not long in coming.

Species: Cadillac
Almost the Rolls Royce, but distinctly American and not quite as picky. Big engine, questionable styling. Not unusual to see them in tight pink belly-shits with Bitch scrawled across the front in rhinestones. She was a slut in high school.

Species: Trans Am
80's style coug. Always smoking cigs, wearing stone washed jeans, lots of cleavage, frequently seen at the bars on Mondays and Tuesdays. Not to be mistaken with the Coyote.

Species: Taurus
Like the automobile, they are everywhere. No one trait can categorize them. Approach them as you would a rental car.

Species: The Maple Leaf
A citizen of our neighbor to the north, The Maple Leaf is a Canadian Cougar and looking for warmer climates. If you're lucky, she's of the Pamela Anderson variety. But you're probably not that lucky.
Warning: She probably likes Rush!

Genus: Felinae Europa
Common name: European Cougar
(also known as der Puma)
The European Cougar is just that: European. Cultured, sultry and intelligent, the European Cougar has had the advantage of growing up in a more enlightened world, and she's looking to export that enlightenment to less developed cultures around the world, particularly to the brutish United States. She's distinguished by her angular good looks, impeccable fashion sense and imperfect English.

Species: Ferrari
The only car breed comparable to the Rolls Royce. She's faster, sleeker and more dedicated to life in the fast lane. The Ferrari usually speaks with a seductive accent, sometimes Italian, sometimes Spanish. She's prone to breaking down, however, and few models have lasting value. But if you do find that rare Spyder, hold on to her.

Species: Mercedes
Maybe a little expensive, but trustworthy with a fair amount of bells and whistles. Note: she's a professional woman and susceptible to young, un-ambitious "bad boys."

Species: Volkswagen
Like the Taurus and Toyota, another fairly common breed. But the Volkswagen has better styling and is much faster when she gets into some hot action.

Species: The Ruskie (formerly The Spy)
These lovely ladies fled the former Soviet Union and other Eastern Bloc nations as fast as they could and to the benefit of all North American cougar hunters. Arriving in America from exotic locales like Russia, Latvia, Slovakia, Slovenia, and the Ukraine, they ended up in equally exotic American locales like The Crazy Horse Too, Glitter Gulch, and Olympic Gardens. Ruskies are distinguished by their blonde hair, small frames, large fake breasts and poor grasp of the English language. An unfortunate drawback to this species is their continuing interest to be domesticated. Hey, Stalin's dead, ladies. We love you. Let's move on. (see also CIT)

Species: The Viking
The beauty of Scandinavian women is well-documented, and, unlike many stereotypes, the reports here are 100% true. This species of cougar is super hot in a blonde hair, big breast kind of way.
Traditionally, Scandinavian cougars are welcome hunters of young American men, but current American foreign policy has left many Vikings, a particularly political breed, turned off to U.S. visitors. We expect this trend to dissipate, however, and for Vikings to embrace again their favored prey.

Genus: Felinae Orientalis
Common name: Oriental Cougar
(also known as The Bengal)
Because of cultural differences, the Oriental Cougar is less empowered than most urban cougars. She's trying to break down thousands of years of subjugation. But she's waging a hell of a war, and as supporters of cougar liberation the world round, we're doing everything we can to help her out.

Species: Lexus
Certainly not a Rolls-Royce, and not quite a Mercedes, but there's no question she'll take care of you. And then some.

Species: Toyota
Like America's Taurus, a fairly ubiquitous breed of Asian cougar. But you can get a lot more mileage out of her, and she won't break down.

Species: The Geisha
Actual Geishas don't really exist any longer, but their tendencies do. The Geisha is a subservient breed of cougar, and, as a result, a species that doesn't totally subscribe to the whole Cougar ethic. She's more interested in pleasing you, than she is in pleasing herself. Not a bad thing necessarily, but, if you're looking for a take-charge, more Euro-American style cougar, look elsewhere.

Species: The Concubine
An especially good target for the cougar hunter who got married too young. The concubine is satisfied with being had on the side. Beware of her binded feet, however. Species: The Bangkok A truer name never has there been. She'll cost you money, but not much. (More a CIT, than actual cougar).

Genus: Felinae Latina
Common name: Latin Cougar
The Latin Cougar may perhaps be the most inviting of all the cultural breeds. She's Latin, for chrissakes. They love wearing next-to-nothing, dancing super close, and they've got accents that turn most hunters into cowering children.

Genus: Felinae Africanus
Common name: African Cougar
Today little is known about the African Cougar mainly because Africa is such an undiscovered land. There is no question that the women there can be as alluring as the beautiful landscapes they inhabit.

Genus: Felinae Extraordinarius
Common name: Specialty Cougar
(also, Cougar Especial)
Species: Sabre-tooth
Thought to be extinct, the Sabre-tooth is the most seductive and dangerous of all cougars. With her sleek coat and sharp teeth, this species is the most blood-thirsty of all cougars. Rarely does her prey survive.

Species: Snow Cougar
These elusive cougars roam snow-capped mountains. Their hunting grounds are the plush apr├Ęs ski lounges and bars of mountain resort towns. Rare to just this breed, they can be seen wearing the fur of other animals.

Species: Coyote
The Coyote hunts outside most urban jungles; she is the requisite wild beast scavenging through garbage cans at campgrounds and can be found scouting trailer parks, bouncing from house boat to house boat, and slinking around dive bars in small towns. She is the suburban Trans Am with a GED and dreams of beauty school.

Species: Silver Fox
As one reader described: "The cougar that is in her 60's but still sexy." He admits they're rare. We here at UC would quantify that statement... extremely rare.

Species: MILF
A cougar only in the minds of those young men who lust after these domesticated creatures (excepting in situations where the MILF is divorced, separated or willing to engage in outside dalliances), the MILF may well be the precursor to the entire cougar phenomenon. There's just something about a woman who has managed to maintain her sex appeal long after having birthed children and dealt with all their shit that leaves most young men particularly vulnerable.

Species: CIT
Cougar-in-training (also known as The Cub) Too young to be considered an actual Cougar, these industrious young women show all the tell-tale signs of future cougardom: an interest in younger men, a ravenous sexual appetite, and an indifference to marriage and other conventional romantic institutions.

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